Doğan Cüceloğlu ;
(Psychologist and Academician)
Photo: BBC News
Great evening, everybody. I am exceptionally upbeat to be talking with you nowadays, on the evening of Sunday, January 15, 2017. I trust you are upbeat as well. That’s what individuals tell me, and I am really enchanted to listen it. Having this opportunity makes me exceptionally cheerful indeed.
This article is a transcription of a video lecture by Doğan Cüceloğlu, one of Türkiye’s and the world’s most renowned child psychologists. His books on child psychology and communication have sold hundreds of thousands of copies, he has appeared on numerous TV and radio programs, and he has shared insightful information with thousands of people through interviews and conferences. May his soul rest in peace!
I am exceptionally cheerful to have composed the book “Developing Parents.” I know that God has allowed me this. It looks in reverse presently, but it peruses as “Developing Parents.” Since, really, I have composed here the things I needed to unyieldingly rehash over and over. Anybody who needs to can wrap up this book in 10 days by perusing 15 minutes a day; it is a basic book.
Why did I bring this up? I gotten a letter. I get these letters and share them with you since this is not fair one person’s issue; it is a exceptionally common problem.
Letter:
“Hello Mr. Doğan, I am composing from Germany. I am a 33-year-old lady, hitched with two children. I would like to tell you a small around myself, that is, I would like to chat. When I was 8, indeed in spite of the fact that I didn’t need to and didn’t like it, I begun cadenced tumbling since my father needed me to. This don destroyed my childhood for 9 a long time. It’s a exceptionally difficult feeling; feeling this way is truly painful.
Now, my father certainly needed to do the right thing. He’s not a awful individual; he did it for his daughter’s well-being. But if it’s not too much trouble, it would be ideal if you, do not force your claim eagerly on your child. Let them be the proprietors of their possess eagerly; this is exceptionally critical. I demand on this point. I wasn’t fruitful, so I never preferred it. This is moreover imperative; it’s exceptionally critical for your child to feel fruitful in anything little thing they do. My father said, ‘Finish what you started,’ and I had to proceed. I had an troubled childhood.
Now I get it that I couldn’t be myself inside my family. I wasn’t esteemed. My sentiments and considerations were never inquired approximately or taken truly. Genuinely, your heart knows, but your intellect realizes it afterward. How vital it is for children to exist inside the family, Mr. Doğan. Since I wasn’t like that, I made botch after mistake.
In my youth, I gave myself to the to begin with youthful man who I thought esteemed me. It was as if he wouldn’t cherish me or would take off me if I didn’t grant myself to him. This is a exceptionally common feeling. Yes, I asked for cherish from all the youthful men I met. I get it that I was looking exterior for the adore, regard, and esteem that I didn’t get from my family. Of course, guardians do not need this. They aren’t awful individuals; no parent needs their child to conclusion up in this circumstance. But you have to realize it, you have to know.
I hitched somebody I thought cherished me, whom I didn’t truly know well, and went to Germany as a bride. And I cleared out my third year of college, considering to be an English teacher… What an critical choice, and my life has totally changed. I still ponder if I am the reason for my misery in my marriage, or if it’s my family. I haven’t made an critical choice, but I’m still considering around it. If I had been esteemed in my family, if I hadn’t gone looking for adore, would I have had a totally distinctive, upbeat hitched life? I’ve continuously pondered around that.”
Doğan Cüceloğlu’s Comment:
I praise this individual. At slightest they haven’t made a conclusive choice, but are still in a state of inquiry.
Now, there are a few things I need to say approximately this letter:
One: Appear your child that you esteem them. It’s exceptionally simple, exceptionally, exceptionally simple! It’s not vital that you purchase them endowments, purchase them toys, or carry on in an unexpected way in this or that way. Do you know what’s vital? It’s that you are mindful that you are here with your child right presently, that you see into their eyes for 30 seconds and tune in to them.
One day, the flowers you thought would never bloom will bloom. The troubles you thought would never go away will go away. The time you thought would never end will pass. Life is such a mystery; first comes gratitude, then patience, and then faith is needed… Rumi
“Mom, do you know what happened to me?” If the mother’s look is somewhere else, her hand is somewhere else, that child will not feel esteemed. 30 seconds! “What happened, sweetie?” Make eye contact. “Look, what happened?” They’ll tell you something. Like, “I have to wrap up this right presently, but I need to tune in to this. Can we conversation in half an hour? Affirm, wrap up your work.” I call this chatting, and you can discover openings for it at any moment.
This isn’t ruining the child. This is telling the child, “You are imperative to me.” See, I’m talking around six measurements of seeing; not constantly.
Dear watchers, individuals regularly compose me letters saying, “Teacher, my child has this issue, what ought to I do?” Well… I cruel, I studied so numerous books to type in these books, I put in so much exertion, I thought so much… It would be ideal if you, examined to begin with, at that point inquire! It’s that critical to me. Perused it to begin with; the reply is there. I’ve given my time, I’ve worked difficult, I’ve composed, I’m clarifying, and I need to offer assistance you. Since our children are so critical. There are two vital situations in Turkey: one is the family environment, and two is the classroom environment. If we can build up sound communication here…
Now, there are two things I need to emphasize:
It’s vital for the child to feel effective. It’s exceptionally critical that they feel fruitful in their possess eyes, not in yours. So when they choose up a write and put it there, and say, “Mom, see, Mother, look!” you ought to be able to say, “Yes, I see, sweetie. Yes, you put it there.”
Secondly, if you don’t mind, if you don’t mind, your declaration is exceptionally imperative. Do not deny a child of seeing. The most critical blessing you can deliver them in life is to stand here, right presently, as yourself, and bear witness. And as a result of that witness, they know profound down: “I am important, I am adored, I am vital, they believe me, and I am portion of my family, but I am too free.” These six measurements of seeing are crucial.
Dear watchers, I’m so happy you exist. It’s such a brilliant feeling to conversation and chat with you. I wish you all a great evening. Sir, farewell.
